I knew it was coming, but that didn't make it any easier. Today was the day that it was confirmed, we no longer have believers in childhood Christmas magic.
I'll start with Blake a few years back. Since he is the oldest, I figured he may know, but I never broached the subject, just in case. I figured he might be playing along for Taylor's sake and it turns out, I was right. I don't know exactly when he figured it all out, but I'll take it back to the day "I" found out about Blake's beliefs, or lack of. In 2016, I was shopping at Aldis when I get a call from Billy saying, "Blake knows". I ask, "About what?" he just repeats, "he knows knows...about Santa". My heart sank, yes...I realize he was in middle school but I just didn't want Anyways, I sit to be official just yet. I started stressing about what to say when I got home. I walked in the door and asked Blake to come into my room, quietly locking the door behind so keep Taylor out of this conversation. We sat on the bed and I said, "So your Dad says "you know"" He says, "yeah"...that was it. I tried to stall with the whole, "so, you know know? And exactly what is it that you supposedly know?" He was finally straight out with me, "Mom, I know about Santa. I've known for years but I didn't want to hurt you by telling you." Okay, I'm obviously too much of a big baby when my kid doesn't wanna hurt me..lol. Anyways, I confirmed his reasoning as I start to bawl, I hug him and tell him that I just love him so much and want to keep him young for as long as possible. He says, "I know Mom...do you need a minute?" "YES, I need a minute AND a time machine to turn things back and pause it so I can relish just a little longer in the excitement and magic that I love so much! Anyways, as I should have expected with a teenage boy, the conversation was anything but dramatic, to the point and done. I did ask if he would help move Buddy our elf around and help continue the magic for Taylor, and of course, he agreed and was happy to help.
Fast forward to December 2019.
Once again, I figured time was almost up on this wonderful magical age. Taylor has always been curious, the kid with a million questions about everything. I can remember way back when she was in kindergarten, we were laying in bed, reading Rudolph, when she sits up in bed and says, "Hey wait a minute! I have a question..." I thought to myself, ooohhh man...already?! Please don't ask about Santa, please don't ask about Santa. "Yes Tay, what is it?" "Ummmm Mommy, I was dis tinking...we are learning true and false at school and I just don't see how the Easter Bunny could be real. How can a big rabbit be hopping around bringing baskets of candy to kids?" I am first of all, unfairly angered that they have to be talking about true and false during their first year of school AT CHRISTMAS TIME! Also, flabbergast that we were just reading about flying reindeer and a man in a suit delivering gifts down chimneys when she has been laying there, questioning the Easter Bunny! "Hmm" I say, "Sounds like a question for a later time, why don't we just focus on getting some rest so you can have a good day at school tomorrow" "Okay" she says. SHEW, bullet dodged...maybe...at least for this very moment. I try to wrap my brain around what all just happened..lol.
It was mid December this year, before Taylor even mentioned Buddy, our elf. It has been a tradition since 2010, every Thanksgiving evening, we read the story and invite him into our home to interact daily with our family. This brought on an entire month of excitement for the kids. There were silly hiding spots that we would find him in, notes in a special book- written back and forth, gifts and even reindeer pets to entertain us. Taylor would build him homes and offices, sleighs and fun stuff for him to do. In the years past, BOTH kids would wake up running around trying to find Buddy! They would race to see who found him first with laughter and an immediate exclamation of where he was and what he was doing! I can still hear it, "MOM...he is hanging from the ceiling fan!" or "Buddy dropped a straw in our syrup bottle! He is in big trouble!" It's in those moments, all the exhaustion of staying up late to move Buddy, or waking in the middle of the night to realize you DIDN'T move him was all worth it. Billy and I had a secret code for trying to remind each other to move him, we would say MTE (Move the Elf?) LOL. The things we do for thej love of our kiddos.
Anyways, it's mid December and I had asked Tay a couple time, where she wanted to read Buddy's book and she just kinda shrugged and one time she said it was just so close to Christmas already that she thought it was too late maybe. The way she was avoiding it made me realize this was it. I re-read the special letters and articles on how to break the truth to our children about Santa...I had been saving these for years in my pinterest board. I knew I would need to explain how and why we did this, how I would defend myself for the lies, how I would help her distinguish between the fantasy of Santa magic and the real magic of Jesus. I planned ahead. And it turns out, I didn't need any of that stuff. She too, was very cut and dried about it. I asked her one morning, "So, are you kind of done with inviting Buddy back" She said, "I feel a bit old for it" I said, "Is there anything you want to ask me about any of it?" "No, I already know" she said, as she looked hard at my eyes, she too, waited to see if I would cry. What's with these kids thinking I'm a baby...I feel bad that they have to care about that, then again, I guess I should be happy that they are thoughtful enough to care what others around them feel. I looked hard, back at her eyes and I think we were both a tiny bit tearful, although she hides it better than me. I went ahead and explained, "You know, St. Nicholas was a real person, he truly did bring gifts to children and all who witnessed this wanted to continue to bring joy to their children even after he was gone." She said "Yeah", then I told her that I was in first grade when I caught my parents putting gifts under the Christmas tree and I straight up asked my Mom if Santa was real. She said, "Oh JoAnna, don't ask questions that you might not want answers to." Of course, I was the kind of kid that insisted and she did tell me. I was heartbroken, upset to have been fooled. It was a rough Christmas and you can see it in the photos..lol. I tried so hard to avoid this with Blake and Taylor, that's why I never brought the subject up. Anyways, I also told her that even though I was mad at my Mom and Dad as a kid, the moment I had Blake, I couldn't wait to be Santa for him and bring my kids all the joy of believing. I told her that she will probably want to do that for her kids too and she agreed. Taylor is so easy to talk to and such an understanding kid. I don't know why I thought I needed some complex letter to make things right. She admitted that she kinda knew before but just didn't want it to be over yet. She had a couple questions about how we made things happen and she told me how she found a tiny piece of Santa's wrapping paper and kinda questioned things. She also was onto my vague answers about things, anytime she told me that her friend doesn't believe in Santa, I just told her that different people believe different things. Her and I both knew that that wasn't a sufficient answer.
A few days later, she asked to at least see Buddy. I went into my closet, let her watch me retrieve him from a shopping bag at the top of my closet. I held him and tried to hand him to her but she couldn't take him. All these years of not being able to touch him for fear he would lose his magic and die. She wan't quite ready. I took him out to the living room and before I placed him on the mantle, she held her hand out. She held him for a second, we both teared up. I don't mean to make this so dramatic but this lil guy, all bundled in his travel wear with a bomber jacket and scarf that we made him to be extra warm, has been a huge part of our lives for a long time. He took his place on the mantle as decoration.
I came home from work the other day and I'll be darned if Buddy didn't have his ugly Christmas sweater on! Tay decided to make him festive! This made my heart so happy! As I was writing this, I decided to go move him into the kitchen, with his hand made apron, to be part of cookie making day! I am so thankful for having these kids and the opportunity to share the joy of Christmas magic with them all these years. We decided to find some new traditions to continue that focus on the real magic of the season and celebrate Jesus together.
